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Inspirational Winners


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Anger and Self Esteem

Having carried out considerable work with people in the field of anger, here are some of the many responses received about how it makes them feel. Can you relate to any of these and, if so, which ones in particular?

  • You shouldn’t be angry because it hurts people
  • If I show I’m angry, I lose control
  • If you are angry you can never be at peace
  • When I feel angry I really let rip, it gets the steam out of me
  • It never does me any good to be angry because I always feel guilty afterwards
  • If I get angry my wife cries so I try not to show it
  • If my children see me angry, they will grow up to be angry people
  • Being angry is an immature response
  • Children lose their tempers quickly, we need to control this as we get older
  • People don’t like you if you get angry
  • If someone shows their anger, I get frightened
  • I feel that if I ever showed my anger, I might get violent, physically
  • I always try to calm everything down whenever anyone starts to get angry
  • My father used to get angry and hit me – I never get angry and hit my children, I just ignore them when they upset me
  • Men shouldn’t get angry with women
  • When my wife gets angry, I always put it down to her hormones
  • I feel good when I’m expressing my anger – it’s like opening a release valve, but afterwards I feel really depressed
  • I have felt and expressed a lot of anger in my life and it hasn’t helped me

Sometimes, people become angry for the most trivial of reasons, almost explosively so, over a seemingly unimportant incident. Afterwards, they admit to feeling both guilty and foolish about the whole thing, then get angry at themselves for letting it happen, and because they do this with such habitual regularity, the cycle continues, until they become almost expert at totally invalidating themselves.

  • We experience confused feelings when we don’t express the real reason for our anger, and
  • We feel misunderstood because nobody understands why we get so angry, but
  • They can’t understand, and never will, if we don’t tell them what’s upsetting us

Denying our anger makes the energy build up like a volcano….the heat mounts up over time and every time the anger is suppressed, the denial makes the volcano even hotter, until all it can do is finally erupt with an almighty explosion.

Each time we deny our anger, we lose touch with ourselves a little more. When we accept our anger as part of being human, we start to find ourselves again. The next time your volcano erupts, recognise this as your chance to really let go of some of the stored anger – don’t stop if you feel guilty or foolish and certainly don’t stop the flow of feeling by trying to work out why you’re angry! Just allow yourself to feel the anger and recognise your power – remember, this can be a really positive experience in terms of building up your self-esteem after years of invalidation!

As your personal volcano erupts and you begin to let go of your pent up anger, you may need to express your feelings in a more physical way. Have faith that you will not lose yourself in this new way of being – in fact, it may be the start of finding yourself, so discovering, at long last, what it is you truly want from life.

Give yourself full permission to show this anger. Create a safe place where you can shout, cry, thump pillows, jump around and do whatever you feel like. Claim your anger back as your own. These feelings are yours – take full responsibility for them and for how you choose to express your anger.

At certain times you may need to talk to someone you trust and with whom you feel safe. Start by emptying that volcano with their support and begin to take charge of your own life. As you begin to accept your unexplained, bottled up anger more readily you will find it much easier to express all the other feelings. You may then find a way to share them with others so that you have your needs met at last without rancour. Years of denying your own wants can lead to feelings of resentment if left unchecked. This new way allows you to release your feelings authentically and no longer feel the need to store them up in case you upset anyone.

Our social conditioning means that, for most of us, anger is one of most difficult feelings to claim. Whenever we deny any of our feelings, we are in fact denying our own, very important needs, which is tantamount to making victims of ourselves. Stop giving your power away to everyone else and regain your emotional energy balance by finally taking control of what YOU want. Operating from this heightened state of creative consciousness, you will do nothing but strengthen your self-esteem.




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